Wow! Freedom! Oh, I don’t even know where to
begin! Today was terrible. This morning I was still feeling very sick. I was
prayed over a little bit in the morning meeting, but didn’t get any better. I
went to the Main Market to meet with Robert at 11:15, had a very disappointing
meeting with him and the few others he brought, then rescheduled my other
meeting with Okello Mario and went back to the hotel to rest. I didn’t leave
the room all afternoon. I felt terrible, and lying down for so long actually
just made it worse. I got up to meet with Sunday, but ended up rescheduling
that, too, after calling and finding out he would be at least an hour late.
So, I was doing bad. I was sick, but didn’t
take any medicine because I wanted God to heal me. I felt lost and
disconnected, like I couldn’t hear God. Matt ran into my room at one point and
said happily that I was going to get better, because he was praying for me.
That was encouraging. Then Pablo came in and talked to me. He told me some truth,
and he told me that the things I had been believing were lies, thinking that I
couldn’t hear God, or that I wasn’t doing the right thing. He reminded me that
God is always near, and he loves me. He prayed with me for a long time, too. We
talked for like 45 minutes total, and I felt a lot better, but still not
100%. (To put it into a picture, I felt like I was trapped, and now I knew
a little bit about what it was that was holding me down, but I was still
trapped by it.)
We went to dinner, and I ate a lot, quickly. I
hadn’t eaten since a small breakfast. I was feeling much better, laughing and
joking with everyone, and then Matt came over and asked if he could talk to me.
He and Rachel took me to a (somewhat)
secluded spot to talk.
Matt and Rachel asked me how I was doing, how
I had been feeling. I told them about my feelings of disconnect, and of feeling
like I wasn’t hearing God, and feeling like I was running the wrong way, even
though I was trying to run to God, and feeling like my fire was burning low
because I was shoveling coal onto it, instead of God (I used the picture
from A Pilgrim’s Progress where Christian sees the man throwing water on
a fire, but it just grows bigger because Jesus is secretly throwing coal onto
it). I told them about the questions I
had been wrestling with, and how I still felt sick. I was upset with myself
just for being sick, and I hadn’t taken any medicine since the night before
because I wanted God to heal me, and I didn’t think He would if I had so little
faith that I needed to turn to medicine. I also told them about many other lies
that I had believed, though I didn’t even realize it. I had been worried and
upset about messing up the trip by becoming sick; I had been trying to please
the leaders and other team members on the trip, and had been afraid of letting
them down; and I felt like I couldn’t hear or feel God, even though I was
trying so hard. I had also believed, for a long time, that I had a certain
standard that I needed to live up to, a perfect image of myself that I should
be, though I didn’t realize it. I was constantly falling short of it, failing
in despair to live up to an impossible standard. The team leaders talked and
shared personal stories with me, bringing the lies to light and showing me the
truth in their place. They taught me how to keep from believing lies and to
walk in truth instead. And through it all, I found freedom. It was like a huge
weight had been lifted off of me, like Someone had walked into the cell and
unlocked my chains. I also didn’t feel sick after we finished talking! It was
definitely a talk that I really needed.
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